2004 year in review -The highs and lows of a NormalToilet
Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2004 at 8:38 P.M.
ok...let's try this again... the links seem to be working now but send me a note if any of them aren't K??
Well, I thought that since the year is coming to a close, and since
many of you are newer readers, and most likely have no gone back
through my archives, that I'd give a synopsis of 2004.
On January 7th I posted my first ever entry on Diaryland. It was a new and kind of scary adventure to be putting my words out there, into that virtual void known as the Internet. So I started with the basics, including the story that lead to the term NormalToilet.
One of the first things I started venting about was this friend and co-worker Cassie who turned out to be not much of a friendto me and my other friend and co-worker Kay.
It was here, in the year of 2004 that I self-diagnosed my state of havingRunaway Boy Disease, an illness that still plagues me� I may bring this up again later.
Still being quite new at this while online journal/diary/blog thing (I'm still not sure what the differences are) I decided to write what I know, which takes us back to the biggest trauma of my life . It's not that I like reliving it,more that after eleven years, I am still trying to figure out what happenedand what my role in it was. The more I delve into this, the more I am realizing that I have let this have far too much of an effect on me, and that my self-pity and self-loathing was really unwarranted, and undeserved�.but my opinion
still changes daily.
While this diary really did begin sort of as a writing exercise for myself, to try to figure out what it is I want to say, I found out several other things along the way. One of them, is that while in many ways I see myself as just one of the crowd, a daisy in a field of daisies� there are some things that are unique to me , and for the most part I don't care what other people think.
After a while, I became more comfortable with this forum, this invited voyeurism, and I offered up My Last Secret . This is the only story of mine that I had NEVER told another soul. Of course there are stories I am not proud of, don't repeat often, etc� but this was the ONLY ONE I had never written or uttered aloud�and I revealed it just for all of you.
In March, I traveled home to my island. I was so excited about the trip, to visit my beloved grandparents and bravely spend some time with Steven's mom; something I'd never really done before. Well, the visit with family sucked ass, but the visit with Steven's mom, and while emotional, I think was a very good thing.
So, lo and behold, I found myself not only pouring out my experiences into this page, I found that I was addicted. In less than 3 months I had 100 entries
Not only was I addicted to adding entries, but to opening myself up for dissection, speculating about myself, about the good and bad, and as you know, I go on a lot about relationships� or the lack thereof.
But I also realized things like I often hold myself up to unrealistic expectations. And not only do I do this to myself, but I do it to the people in my life.
But then, other things always catch me off guard. Sometimes I see my own reaction to things almost as an observer rather than a participant, and I'm interested to see what will happen next.
Reactions are a funny thing. I noticed other ways I react to my environment�especially to what I put in my mind . I'd never noticed before how something as simple as my entertaining reading material actually makes me see the world differently, and thus act differently in it, even though nothing has really changed.
... to be continued in the following edition...
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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