let me rephrase
02.23.2006 at 8:29 AM
Ok, so back a month ago when the whole Kelly thing wrapped up I stopped logging into the IM he uses. I didn�t really know anyone else on that one anyway so I thought it would just be a good idea to close down that communication. I had also deleted him from my cell and deleted his email address. I really just wanted to move on you know? Anyway, this week I decided to get back on that IM because there is a friend from flickr I was chatting with on it.
So Sunday Kelly IM�s me and just starts chatting about all this stuff. Whatever. I didn�t really want to talk to him, but I didn�t want to be rude either. So he fills me in on all this drama in his life etc. And it�s not like I detest him or anything, I�m really just not interested in being a part of his life.
Then last night he starts chatting again�of course, me being me I started off by trying not to encourage it too much, and when I felt I had nothing left to say really I�d close the chat window. But he kept coming back.. we talked about other stuff in-between� but I took those out and left just these parts for your reading pleasure�
***
Session Start (me: K): Wed Feb 22 20:26:16 2006
K: hey...I miss you
me: me?
K: no your damn cats
me: haha
Session Start (me:K): Wed Feb 22 20:41:34 2006
K: so you don�t miss the pain in your ass Kelly boy?
(pause- damn, how do I give him the right idea without being mean?)
me: i don't really know what to say
K: fine don�t say nothin then
K: i know...
me: where is this coming from?
K: what...what are you talking about
K: nothing is coming from anywhere
K: i haven�t changed, I am still SAMSON..
K: lol
Session Start (me:K): Wed Feb 22 20:57:24 2006
K: c�mon tell me something...
K: you already got a new lover or something...you can tell me.. I wont cry
me: just busy with school and work, etc
me: I figured you would be all busy with some new chica
K: LMAO
K: there�s no one like Canadian bacon
(ok, was that supposed to be a compliment? Cause just not feeling it)
K: i miss it bad!!
me: are you trying to get me to invite you over or something?
K: lol
K: no. don�t have a way there
Session Start (me:K): Wed Feb 22 21:33:06 2006
K: are you going to be busy morrow at work
me: yeah, this week is crazy
me: why
K: just wondering that�s all, haven�t seen you on line that much
me: honestly, I�ve not been logging into IM that much
K: well I see.. lol
K: just didn�t want to run into me... I know
K: :-<
me: i was really just trying to make a clean break you know?
K: yeah yeah yeah
K: what did you think i was going to get mad at you.. lol.
me: nope, just trying to move on
K: right on. well that shouldn�t have been hard for you though. your so strong momma...
(ugh, I HATE that� there is nothing flattering to me about being called momma by a guy)
me: ok, let me rephrase :) trying to help you move forward
by not seeing my online status all the time
K: lol
K: cause I am so in love with you.
me: I didn't mean THAT
K: you are one of the most silly women I have ever known ...lol
me: :P
K: I know
K: I have no comment on it all, you know where I am
Session Close (K): Wed Feb 22 21:48:17 2006
Session Start (me:K): Wed Feb 22 21:48:24 2006
K: so its best I just don�t talk to you anymore, take you off my list. is that what you would like
me: well I wasn't trying to be mean about it, but yeah I really think it's best that we go our separate ways
K: your not being mean. no your not. okay busy girl, I will stay away from you on this internet highway of love. ciao
Session Close (K): Wed Feb 22 21:50:37 2006
Session Start (me:K): Wed Feb 22 21:51:39 2006
K: feelings hurt.....
me: sorry
K: are you afraid of love
me: no, but I don't feel the connection you seem to feel
me: and you should be looking for someone who does
K: are you going to be alone forever...do you think
me: don't know, but I�m not going to be with someone just so i don't have to be alone
me: it's tempting, but I know i would not be happy
K: lol. why would you do that anyway
K: anyway i just was curious, because it seems like your running from something here
me: nope, not running away from, just trying to find what I AM looking for :)
K: and what is that
me: to find someone I would like to have a family with
K: that�s it? anything else
me: well, i think everything else would tie into that
me: why all the questions?
K: just wondering
K: never mind
K: have a good night lady
me: what?
K: lol. nothing
me: you can't go into 20-questions and then ditch it
K: what...lol. you don�t really care.
K: I am just trying to figure out what I did, and why I couldn�t be that person your looking for
K: but its okay.
me: what the hell? you and I were never looking at things like a relationship, so I�m confused that you are even thinking this line of questioning
me: anyway, I�m sorry if things i have said or done bothered you
K: we never said anything about it, cause I thought you just wanted to keep it as it was, you weren�t showing anything to make me think you really wanted more, so I didn�t bother to question you more
K: i just remember when we first met you said that you can be difficult
K: and I always wondered it that was just a ploy to push those away from you that might care for you more than you expected or wanted because if you fell in love and then it didn�t work out you would be hurt
me: yes I can be difficult, but I don't TRY to be, but I also don't push away the people I connect with
me: I continue to try, and continue to take chances and get hurt
K: how can you not try to be difficult
me: that's not what this was about
K: what, what was about
me: well, if you think that I am pushing you away because of fear or something
*** You have been disconnected. Wed Feb 22 22:06:27 2006.
*** You are currently disconnected. Messages will not be received.
me: sorry, lost connection, i wasn't dissing ya
�no response�
***
ok, well I guess that�s done.
And I guess I can�t complain about never having guys interested� just never the guys I�m actually interested in.
Such is life
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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