subtle shifts and changes in perspective
01.12.2006 at 10:24 AM
It�s strange how we can become addicted to different things. Addicted to people, addicted to patterns in life, addicted to chaos�
My family is not a touchy-feely physically affectionate group. Never have been really. I don�t know that I noticed this growing up, there were too many of us going our own different directions. But now I have realized that I am usually uncomfortable with physical affection. Now I said usually, not always. There are of course exceptions.
Children is a big one. I have no troubles or hesitations about hugging or cuddling with anyone under the age of 5. They are natural cuddle-buddies.
But with adults it�s different. Even if I want to be close to someone, to show affection with a hug, touch, I do not know how to initiate this. I am uncomfortable taking the lead and usually just follow the lead of the other people involved. I think my discomfort shows, leading other to keep their distance (therefore I follow their lead and keep my distance as well)� except of course those clueless people who I have no desire to have physical contact with who always seem to touch and invade my personal space. (Why is that?) But once that barrier is broken I become more comfortable, and like the contact, and can even initiate it, something happens. See, with Kelly as soon as I get comfortable it�s like I�m addicted. I want him over every night, I want arms around me, hands to brush my hair back away from my face, I could go on and on�
And it never fails, it seems that at precisely the time I get comfortable with this, I start to crave it, treat it like and addiction I have no intention of denying myself� and that is of course when he gets busy, or bored, I don�t know which�.but whatever the reason as soon as I want him there he�s unavailable.
Why can�t I find someone who is excited to spend time with me? Who will make time in their schedule for me� for someone where it has a chance of going beyond the simple pleasure of enjoying any level of physical contact.
I used to think I was going to be someone who took the high-road, who didn�t settle� the truth is, when you have NO offers it�s easy to convince yourself that you aren�t settling� where there are semi-quasi-casual things happening it�s hard to remind yourself that wanting more might mean giving up what little you�ve got to get there.
I�m starting to realize how people can go from relationship to relationship without a break in between. It�s not that a new relationship comes in and makes the old one obsolete� it�s that they hold on to the old one until there is a replacement�
You are disappointed by some news that you are expecting and you feel a little anxious. In work, you will look around and criticize someone that did not do his/her best. In love, you are a little sad because your dreams are not coming true.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
hahaha
Gallery
www.flickr.com
More of normaltoilet's photos
hahaha
Gallery
www.flickr.com
|
wHaT dO u tHiNk ?
What is a normaltoilet?