Part I
10.01.2005 at 12:15 PM
Like the gargoyle ring I just bought on ebay?
ok, so back to the beginning of the week�
As you may remember, last Saturday night was the evening I finally spoke with Puppy3 (which I believe I�m also switching gears on that and prefer to call thin �the boy�)� anyway, so it was out first conversation since the email where he brought up the �reevaluating how important or unimportant this friendship is�. It was a rather heated conversation, going the rounds, talking in circles.
Then Sunday he called unexpectedly, but once again timing was against us. I had spent most of the day writing and rewriting, trying to figure out what exactly it was I wanted to say. I did one more revision on Monday and decided that if I didn�t talk to him that day I would send it.
Here�s what I wrote:
You mentioned that I bring an emotional element into things. Well, yes I supposed I do. When things matter to me, when people I care about are involved, there is always an emotional element.
You said that we need to reevaluate how important this friendship is. I felt like you meant that you had already reevaluated and felt it wasn't important to you. But in talking about it with a friend, she wondered if perhaps you thought that I was displaying that it wasn't important to me.
Nothing has changed here, it IS important to me. We just have lousy timing. The times when you have been available, I have not, and you seemed to be taking that as an intentional slight.
I was feeling like you felt the friendship was worthless because we haven't seen each other. Or that you thought I was trying to make things difficult by being unavailable. That by having to tell you I was busy was somehow sending a message to you that it wasn't important to me. That is not the case at all, and as I told you the other night, I would spend time with you every day if I could. I have never flaked on you and have even let you know when other plans fell through in the hopes that our schedules might work in our favor.
Friendships can go on even if the people can't spend a lot of time together. It's just a matter of deciding if the person is someone you want in your life. You have shared parts of yourself with me, and I treasure that. Maybe you feel that you don't want to, or can't share any more with me. Over that I have no control.
Perhaps at one time there was a precedent set, when I was still discovering who you are, still learning if the persona you put out there is the person you really are. Since that time I felt we had built a trust, and that 'precedent' as you called it, slipped away because I learned more of you and began to trust in something in you. I never stated that my trust had grown, that the ideas I felt that day had gone away. I guess I took it for granted that you would realize that, or that I needed to say something to make you see it. But I told you when we spoke last that it had. I no longer feel that I have to guard myself from you. I've always felt that a friendship with you would be temporary, and at that time I wasn't sure how much I was willing to put into that. I know at some point you will leave, but that is no longer my concern. My concern now is that I get to have you in my life until that point when you do move on, move away, and have no need for me any more. You statement about reevaluating the friendship made me think that time had come for you, but I hope not.
You asked me not long ago to consider having you live in my home. At first I didn't know what to think. Would it be a good idea? After thinking about it I realized that I want to do whatever I can to help you. I think it's important that you are able to move away from SLC so you can separate yourself from that old life that haunts you. Although I don't look forward to you leaving, if I can give you a place to live where you can save money and meet that goal, then I want to do it�. the bonus being that I get to see you more before you move on.
So, unless instructed otherwise, I will continue to be a friend to you. I will call, check on you, see how things are going, and if our schedules allow for times when we can hang out, even better. If not, I'd still like you to know that I am someone you can rely on, someone who doesn't dwell on the events from your past, but respects the person you are. I don't want to be someone who adds to the turmoil of your life.
So, Monday I called when I got out of class, but he didn�t answer and I didn�t leave a message. Things were still a little tense and I didn�t really know what to say.
He called back later and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. He wasn�t sounding too hot, depressed, and maybe getting sick too. I felt like this was going to be the final brush-off, that he�d decided this friendship wasn�t important to him, that I was expendable, or too much trouble, or for whatever reason unneeded.
Anyway, we decided we�d meet at his place and head out from there. When I pulled up he was coming down the street towards his place, rather slow and I could tell him mood hadn�t improved.
Life seems to have become so hard for him. He hasn�t been feeling himself lately, he has been distancing himself from him brother who has always been his best friend, his job while he knows is important and worthwhile is emotionally draining, and he just feels like he has no direction. Floundering I guess would be the best word for it. and depressed, he can�t seem to shake it. He was talking about quitting his job, not being burdened by responsibility for a while. He decided that he wanted to get some X and had a friend who had some, it was just a matter of convincing him to give it up.
TO BE CONTINUED�
This weekend there's the chance that you'll get involved in someone else's argument. If you want to avoid problems, try to give this a wide berth. It's a positive period as far as love is concerned. Work wise, you'll have to make an important decision concerning your future.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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