Reciprocal
Wednesday, Jun. 30, 2004 at 2:49 P.M.
Sometimes it just amazes me how the mind works, and I wonder if others are like me. I do not think I am particularly unique in the way my mind works (or sometimes refuses to work) and now is one of those latter times it is working actually and I can focus just fine, but it�s like certain topics or areas of concentration are off limits. I am sitting at my desk; being paid for being here, yet wrapping my mind around anything remotely work-related seems impossible. I was blaming it on the headache. It had returned and was pounding in my temples so strongly that I thought each beat of my heart was going to split open the vein in my head simply to relieve the pressure. The pounding sensation in my forehead and temples was not just something I felt, but I could actually hear it. I don�t recall that ever happening before. But now the Advil is kicking in, the thumping is gone, but I still have no energy for anything pertaining to my job. My brain is elsewhere. I�m thinking of my friend across the country who has been pleasantly chatty lately and whose emails I have been enjoying immensely simply because they exist, not because they are particularly forthcoming or informative. I�ve been thinking of my friend who was to return from Europe this week and I�m wondering how soon he will find time to fit me in his schedule, or even if he will want to.
I�m wondering how it is that I fit into these lives. Is there really a place for me in each of these lives? Am I in fact an element of these lives or do I only see myself there as wishful thinking,. How much easier it would be if every relationship was labeled, there were no in-between ambiguous states where you wondered what or even if you meant something to the other person, something akin to what you know is possible for you to feel for them, if given the chance. Much like my ramblings this morning, speaking of each chance to be a fool or brave, each relationship has a similar chance to be everything or nothing to the people involved.
Is there a definite signal when someone reaches out to you? Will you always recognize it? No. There will always be the one that got away because of timing, or situation, or simply you were unaware of the opportunity before you.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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