His Birthday
Friday, May. 14, 2004 at 7:38 A.M.
So, today is the day. Steven�s 30th birthday. I can�t help wondering what his life would be like if all that hadn�t happened.
Most days I have come to terms with the fact that I can�t change the past, and often I have an almost Buddhist way of just being with it. It is not a normal heartbreak when the one you�ve thought for most of your existence would be the person you�d spend your life with, is suddenly gone with no trace, no explanation. I never got to break-up because we never were actually a �couple�. There was just an understanding that we were meant to be in each other�s lives. You don�t go through the normal stages of regret, sadness, anger and especially closure when there really is no aspect of closure to the situation.
There is no break-up, no definite point of separation when someone simple disappears. No casket to bury, no grave to visit. No real answer of why or how or even when exactly.
I can never stop myself from wondering �what if�. What if Steven hadn�t gone missing? Would he be happy? Have a family? Would I be a part of that?
Those are things I will never know. But life does move on, as cruel as that is truthful, and I have to satisfy myself by hoping I will eventually find out what happened.
Some people say there are certain things they want to learn after they die. Who shot Kennedy and was there a 2nd shooter? What is the deal with the Bermuda triangle?
For me, I just want to know what happened to Steven, and hope that he is there to greet me, wherever I end up.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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