The Onion
Friday, Feb. 06, 2004 at 7:13 A.M.
What is it about the ass that attracts us? We find this place of excretion attractive. We seem to forget as we enjoy the shape of that cheek that fits so nicely in our hand, that it is dangerously close to the shit-hole.
My sister and I used to keep our eyes peeled for that guy, you know, the one in the perfect pair of saggy-butt pants. Oh the pants were so perfect, but you could never really catch a hint of the ass beneath.
Now I�m more inclined to look for the pants on men that give you a hint, but are not so tight that you know they exact form.
Mine is not in peak condition as it used to be. I used to flex and make my grandmama pat the merchandise, to prove how well toned it was. It still has its moments though. If Grandmama were here right now, I�d flex and have her take a swat, just to prove that although the size has expanded, the basis is still the same.
I just thank my lucky stars that I do not have a bulbous ass. You know, one of those that is so large that is seems totally disconnected from the legs, it moves not when the owner of the massive thing walks. It looks like they have a throw pillow stuffed in their pants, and although the shape is not lumpy, or saggy, it just seems like they strapped on a false ass over their regular one. How is that biologically possible?
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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