Quotas
Friday, Jan. 23, 2004 at 11:22 A.M.
Do you think there is a quota on how many personal tragedies you can have in your lifetime? Is there a sliding scale that evaluates the trauma level of each catastrophe and you are still in the receiving line until you meet your quota?
Is it a revolving score that takes into consideration the recent problems, but as time goes on your trauma scale decreases and fate sees a need to dish another blow to you?
In that case i'm about due. It has been almost eleven years since what i would consider the most traumatic and disturbing time in my life. Of course, i've had my share of small upsets, unexpected turn of events, life not going exactly how i planned, but those are all par for the course.
It will be eleven years this March since Steven went missing. I know that untimely death and other painful experiences can really mess up your life, but this whole not knowing what happened is really hard. It gives your mind avenues to travel and explore that are often more painful than helpful. I never will know what happened that stormy night. Where Steven was heading. Whether he made it. If he is even alive. No gets the answers.
The odd thing is that i have gotten to the point where most of the time i can "deal" with it. Like that is possible. But i can exist without and answers and be at peace with it all. Then there are times when noting is more important than knowing what could have been, what would have been, if things were different.
Sometimes I think I hide behind it, use it as a shield. Because my life went off course, waaaay off course, I am too far off to try to get back on track. Sometimes I think that I am so scared of losing someone again who is so important to me, that I just won�t let anyone be that important and it can�t happen. Mostly I think it made me finish growing up too quickly. I rarely am flippant about the people I know, or their value to me. I quickly became a serious adult, who sometimes forgets that it�s ok just to have fun with life. I need to relearn that getting hurt is part of life, and not always a bad thing. It is not something that you run after, but also not something you need to be so scared of. After all, it is these experiences which make us stronger right? That make us who we are? That prepare us for who we are to become?
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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