back in the saddle
06.26.2007 at 9:42 AM
Well, I think I might start using this diary again, but just have only a select few (fewer than before) be able to read it. I usually think of things to write when at work and seem to be able to get the thoughts out quicker when typing.
So let�s back up, after being off and on with Kelly for almost a year and a half (and honestly it was mostly off, not mostly on) we were back on again from feb-june. Finally I realized when I was trying to explain some of my actions to him that I was tired of always trying to please him and obviously failing. I don�t think he even liked who I am inside or didn�t bother to try and see the real me. He had a preconceived idea of who I am based on mistakes I made in the past and could never let that go to see who I was when not being guided by fear or insecurity.
Anyway, I don�t regret the experience, I think it was eye-opening for me in realizing not only what I will put up with if I think there is something better in the future, but also what I will do to try and solidify a relationship.
I realized that my generosity is something I give freely, but would like to have acknowledged, not returned, but acknowledged at least with a Thank You. I realized that I will put up with someone else�s moods and insecurities if I believe they will eventually let me in. I learned that I need to do everything I can do to help a relationship to work before I will give up on it. I learned that when I am in a relationship I plan as if I am in it for the long haul, I plan for the future.
I want to be with someone who lets me help them but also offers to help when I need it. I often willingly take on the role of caregiver, but I can�t always be that person and need to receive support in return.
Anyway, with that obviously over and my awakening that he was really not the type of person I wanted in my life I knew I needed to take action right away. It would be so easy for me to retreat back into my shell, become a hermit and avoid the ups and downs of dating, I know that I have a lot to offer and was determined to not let that experience push me back to the life of a hermit. Kelly was not going to be the biggest story of my love life, I deserve more than that.
So the next day I joined a dating website just to force me to start talking to new people. There have been a few interesting contacts, a lot I�m not interested in, and a few dates so far, and a kiss even. I�m not out for a rebound person or a quick-fix. I�m looking for someone to build a life with, someone who wants the same things I do and am willing to take my time. But I figure meeting different people through the site is as good as any method and who knows what people I might meet that I never would otherwise.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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