Part IV
10.02.2005 at 9:06 PM
Part IV
Seeing as it was practically morning when we went to bed, not to mention our second round of pills were painkillers, we slept most of the day. I heard him get up, but I stayed in bed sleeping off and on. I heard him at the computer, immediately thinking oh shit, that email is up there on the screen� but didn�t have the energy or motivation to actually do anything about it.
Eventually I knew I was going to have to get moving if I was going to get to class that night. I got up and used the toothbrush again, and went out and sat with him on the couch. He asked if I was feeling ok, and if I�d had a good time. He was pretty foggy and I wanted to talk about the email but I knew we weren�t going to get far. I asked if he�d read it, and he said yes, and I asked if it made sense, and again he said yes. But like I said he was foggy and there wasn�t much point in trying to have a big discussion, so I figured since every thing seemed ok I�d leave it at that.
I told him I had to go so I could make it to class and I�d call later.
As I drove home I called Kay. I had text�d her earlier that morning just to say I couldn�t make our lunch date and I wanted to give further explanation. So I called, told her that I had gone over to the boy�s place last night and was just heading home then, that I wasn�t �chemically� able to drive before then. We chatted for a bit, and then I called bv.
This was where things got tricky. See, bv is the one person I think who knows me best in the world. I tell her everything and we have very open conversation. Earlier this summer she had done something she wasn�t particularly proud of, and waited almost 2 months before telling me (as to what it was really isn�t important and that�s her story anyway, not mine) I had been very upset that she felt she couldn�t tell me, that she had actually lied to me about it because she was scared of what I�d think of her.
I was determined to show in her the same trust that I expected from her. So I called and told her I was just getting home (I had called her on my way to his place the night before) she was all excited and asked what happened. I said that nothing physical had happened other than cuddling, and that we did X and just had a nice relaxing evening. She got really quiet. I asked if she was mad at me (something she asks of me whenever she�s done something) she said no she wasn�t mad, but disappointed. She didn�t like that the boy was being a bad influence on me. Which he totally wasn�t, and I told her, it had been something I wanted to try anyway, and he didn�t even suggest it nor was he even keen on the idea when I brought it up. Besides, maybe I could be a good influence on him. �not if you are over there doing THAT� was her response. The rest of the conversation was short and choppy. She said she still loved me like a sister but that she was disappointed, that she wasn�t judging but it�s something that she so disagrees with plus it�s illegal.. I�ve never felt that she was disappointed in me, and I hated hearing that in her voice.
The next several days were strained between us. I felt like I needed to fix something.
So here is this weirdness between me and the one person I usually tell everything to
I shouldn�t have told her.�but I didn�t want to feel like I had to hide things from her. I made such a big deal about that with her this summer when she withheld something from me for 2 months because I didn�t want her to feel she couldn�t tell me everything, so I thought I was doing a good thing, showing her that I practice what I preach by not withholding, by trusting her
My problem, I don�t feel I did anything wrong, but when she did something that I knew SHE thought was wrong I was still there for her, and didn�t judge her.
After class I called the boy to see if he needed anything, he�d had more of both than I. He sounded fine, said he was ok, and that his brother was there. I was relieved, because I really think his temporary estrangement from his added a lot to his recent moodiness and despondency.
Friday he and I were talking and he told me that he quit his job. This was his first full-time �respectable� job. But there comes a point when you have to weigh how much you get from a job vs. how much you put into it and I knew it was really draining him.
But now I�m worried that he�s going to go back to dealing. Just doesn�t seem like the wisest decision to have him live with me if that is the case. I haven�t had a chance to really talk to him about that yet.
Things are still a little weird with bv. She called yesterday and acted normal, although we had a few weird silences. I�ve just decided that I guess I can�t tell her everything.
I�ve talked to the boy several times over the past few days and went out for coffee with him and his brother last night. While his brother was inside getting their coffee I asked him how things were between them, if everything was ok now. He said he didn�t really know, that he thought his brother was catching on to what the problems were, and they might be ok if they keep working on it.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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