ebb and flow
04.21.2023 at 2:22 PM
A friend posted a quote a while ago – not their words (or mine) but it has been on my mind.
Here is the quote.
“One of the greatest lessons that adult women need to learn is meeting people where they are and to stop writing friends off for being themselves. This whole “we aren’t friends because she didn’t check on me” or she “never reaches out first” narrative is lame. Women are out here struggling just to stay above water every second of every day, fighting their own demons.
There’s women out here going through divorces, abuse, major depression, financial trouble, family trouble, relationship trouble, health issues, work issues, deaths and mental illness… and they are supposed to constantly check in on YOU to be your friend?
My friendship doesn’t have requirements. It doesn’t have guidance or quotas. As long as it’s organic, unforced and NON TOXIC, you will forever have my love and support.”
At first, I thought yeah that makes sense… but the more I think about it, the more I think this is a problem.
People are allowed to have needs. The trick might be finding someone whose needs mesh with your own, someone who can give when you need, and vice versa.
I think something this person missed is that the woman in this scenario says they NEVER check on her and she interprets that as someone having to CONSTANTLY check in on her. That is not me making an assumption – she has put her misunderstanding right there in the quote.
If there is someone in their life who NEVER thinks of them first are they really a friend? If friendship has to go both ways, it does not mean I am the only one putting in effort. She’s telling people it’s a two way street while getting mad at them for expecting it to be a two way street.
Sure, there are times when you are connecting with different people at different times in your life, when there is an ebb and flow. But if the ebb never turns into a flow (organically as they specify above) then do you really fault someone for not counting that person as close?
What if I’m one of these women going through one of the listed trials or traumas and I have no one to lean on because we have all learned that it’s ok for someone to not reach out if they are going through something and they are all going through something too so I’m outta luck?
I know there have been times when I have not been there for someone, not because I was holding a grudge, but just because I could not be what they needed right then. Does that mean I’m a horrible person? No. Does it mean I expect that person who needed me to still feel like we are close when I wasn’t there for them. Also no.
Maybe it’s a misconception about friendship labels. Maybe we need different words for different types of friendships?
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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