Non-Committal "Maybe"

08.01.2022 at 2:30 PM

I keep starting entries and then don’t get the ideas fully formed before I get interrupted and delete my draft.
Things are not good at home. I keep finding myself in an argument with myself on when I should pick my battles and when I should stand up for myself.
I’m exhausted of being criticized for every little thing and find myself getting so defensive that then I’m the one instigating an issue because I feel like everything is going to be an issue. I feel like I have to justify every choice or action I take, and then I get criticized for justifying it, or choosing a specific word in what I say. At what point do I call it quits and turn our lives upside down. The issue is I really can’t do it financially.
Although I’m the only one in the house with an earned income, I can’t afford life without the family money from the other side, so I can’t just pick-up and leave. And he won’t leave, because that would take effort. He’d rather live in a mire of hate he is creating, anger he perpetuates, and joy he stifles.

And honestly, I have no safety net. I can’t afford an apartment on my income. He’d never agree to sell the house because he’d have to get off his butt and finish painting, sort through stuff, clean up… all the things he’s supposed to be doing anyway since he doesn’t work outside of the home.

In good news, I am hopefully going home for a visit at the end of the month. But even that was difficult because not only is it so expensive to drive these days, but I don’t want him to come along. I just want to take my kiddo. I had already booked a week off, and then I started thinking about if I could swing it to go home. Them my mom asked if I was planning a visit and that really kind of cemented it in my head that I needed to go. But jeez I need a break from the constant criticism. So I asked him if he was going to take her to his hometown once her summer soccer is over. And of course, got his non-committal “maybe”.
So I just said that I’d also like to have some special time with her and that I’d like to take her home to see my parents and I could probably swing some more time off work to expand on the week I’m taking off. He first balked at the price of gas and the driving time. Nothing I can do about that. Then suggested we fly, but the local airport no longer does flights home, and who wants to go anywhere near Pearson if you don’t have to.
Then he suggested he come along, to help with the driving…. Ugh. I waited a few days and just said that if he had her already in his hometown, then I could drive there after I finish work on the Friday and she and I can head out first thing on the Saturday. I showed him a cheap hotel to book for that Saturday night (he has all the points in his account) and pointed out that it said only one room left at that price and it’s fully refundable….
Waited a few days and asked if he’d book it for me, to which I got the non-committal “maybe” and I left it at that.
I asked yesterday if he’d booked it and he said no. I left if at that.
Today I checked on again and the price was up by $20. But he hadn’t said anything. So I sent him a screenshot and pointed out that it had gone up and if he wasn’t going to book it I’d set up my own account and go ahead before the price went up more. To which he replied that he had already booked it when it was the lower price. Like why couldn’t he just volunteer that information? I’m so tired of his stupid control games. But again, I am trying to pick my battles…

bEfOrE ~ AftEr

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    wHaT dO u tHiNk ?

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