On a more personal level

03.11.2022 at 2:44 PM

So which is worse, being a prejudiced controlling hypocrite who shows no kindness, or feeling hatred for the prejudice controlling hypocrite to the point that you wish for their death.
Does it make any difference that you are not committing murder, if you honestly wish for someone to die, even if just for a moment? Or perhaps just to be gone from your life, and not die. But there are strings that go along with that alternative…. Regardless…

When these thoughts arise, I try to sweep them away with some positive mantra because I don’t want to live with a heart full of hate.
“I choose peace”
“I choose joy”
I do my best not to get drawn in the conflicts this person tries to create. But how often can you be mistreated and see others mistreated before you brave the storm and speak up again only to be told in no uncertain terms that you are the one causing the problem?

No, it’s not constant. Every day is not horrible. But every day I keep my guard up, keep my distance and watch for red flags.

I saw a quote not too long ago from a friend who is very open about her current work to heal from childhood trauma:
“Abusers don’t abuse every day. They have good moments. Days where they do the right things. Moments where they say the correct words. When this happens, the key is to remember it is just an abuser having a good day, but still an abuser based on all the other days.”

I doubt myself all the time. I’ve voiced my concern to friends that maybe I am part of the problem, because when are issues ever one-sided. And based on the behaviours I have explained to them they looks at me like I am crazy and assure me that “it’s not me”. But being aware of an issue does not absolve me of it.

Is it possible someone is really so unaware of their behaviours? That they can cause so much pain and resentment and not be aware of it? Would I be aware of it? Am I perhaps doing that and not aware of it and I caused the feelings that cause that behaviour? Is that ever really a reason?

bEfOrE ~ AftEr

You have to figure ... if the world's fattest twins can find love, there's hope for all of us. Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our three heads and make it all better.
~Carrie BradShaw~
~Sex and the City~

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04.04.2022 The Blame Game

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