watch out, it's a religious venting
02.06.2009 at 3:43 PM
Now that I have reopened this diary to the public I wonder who will find it and hope that anyone reading this who knows me in real life would let me know. When I had it locked, and even before that when no one I knew in real life knew I had a blog, there was such freedom to write what I really thought and felt. Even if it was stupid. Or mean. It was just a place to vent. I guess I will go back to that, I can hardly help myself from saying what I really think, I just hope no one reads what I have to say and takes it personally or takes it not in the manner it was meant. But that is the chance I guess I have to take in order to get back in the habit of documenting my life.
Earlier this week I had a little shock when I found out that my younger brother has decided to leave the Mormon Church. For those of you who don�t know I was raised devoutly LDS (aka Latter-Day Saints aka Mormon) and left the church around the age of 17 or so. I am not a bitter ex-mormon like so many people are, except for when the church tries to interfere, or does something I openly feel is wrong. I guess you could say I�m quasi-anti-mormon. Or for that matter quasi-anti-religious. I have a huge problem with any institution that judges people, and in turn uses their own type of peer pressure to make people follow their rules.
I however have no problem with any person who follows the teachings of ANY religion because that is what they truly believe is right. It�s a hard thing to explain, especially to people who are very religious (or very anti-religious for that matter) because they don�t necessarily see the difference. This is something I have experienced over and over because my family, and for the most part my friends are all quite religious.
Anyway, so my brother, who is much younger than me, and who I always thought was of the same devout nature as my parents, and his wife have decided to leave the church. He is in his mid-twenties. Went on his mission, went to BYU, got married in the temple, etc., so this was not something I saw coming. I have made it a point NOT to talk religion with any of my family since we so widely disagree.
Anyway, so he made sort of a mass-announcement and here is what it said:
Leaving the Church
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Monday, February 2, 2009 at 10:04pm
Many people have been interested (or confused, or angered) by the recent decision Holly and I made to leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. When people find out there is always the inevitable question: "Why?" (Often accompanied by testimony bearing, statements instructing me on what my beliefs are, and passive aggressive hints about how much I'm hurting those I love).
For those who want to know why I've made this decision, I've briefly outlined some main points below. This is offered as an explanation to satisfy curiosity, not as an opening for religious discussion.
In the church, everything we learn and do is underlined with our personal testimonies - the experiences we've had where we feel that Heavenly Father has, through the Holy Ghost, manifested truths to us. These experiences are often very powerful. I've had several life changing experiences which shaped my beliefs and supported my faith through periods of doubt.
I've known many people that have drifted from the church. Some followed lifestyle choices contrary to church teachings, and lost touch with their faith. Others become offended at the actions of those in the church, and estrange themselves for social reasons. Some just get lazy and don't want to bother anymore.
Our path was none of these. We were faithfully reading our scriptures, saying our prayers and attending the temple to a degree we had never before achieved in our marriage. What happened was that we turned and faced those nagging doubts and questions that had trailed us through our whole lives (or in Holly's case, her whole experience with the church). Associated with every spiritual experience of my life was the question: "How do you know this isn't coming from you?"
On my mission when we challenged people to pray about our message, very few accepted. Some just didn't want to bother, but some had counter arguments: What makes you think that what you feel is any different from what any other religious person feels? This was the question I had to ask myself.
I look at an Islamic terrorist who thinks he feels God, and I say "That man isn't feeling what he thinks he's feeling. That's not God, that's emotional fervor."
I look at a Pentecostal at worship, who thinks that the rapture will happen at any moment and I say "That woman isn't feeling the Holy Ghost, she's feeling other things. She's being tricked."
I look at all of the millions of people on the planet, and I point my finger at each and every one of them and say "The thing that you believe is not true. You think that God is telling you it is true, but he isn't."
Is it possible that what I think is God talking to me isn't really God? Anyone who would say it's not possible would be lying.
I also look at times in my life when I have been convinced I was right about something, only to find out later that I was wrong. In retrospect I look at myself and say "I was misled in that one instance, I confused the Spirit with some personal emotion".
I don't think there is a difference. I think I've trained myself to "feel the Spirit". I think I've known all along that there is no God. But I WANTED to believe so badly that I kept myself from facing that.
After coming to this conclusion, everything else was shed in a different light. All of those little doctrinal questions that have no answer (why doesn't 3 Nephi match JST Matt? Why does DNA evidence disprove Israelite blood in Native Americans? etc) were no longer "mysteries of the kingdom" but "plot holes" in a fabricated storyline.
All of those strange things from church history (Joseph searching for treasure with the same seer stone he used to translate the BoM; Joseph marrying young girls behind Emma's back; changes to eternal temple ordinances etc) no longer had a "there must be some other explanation" clause, and became what they seem.
So Holly and I have removed our names from the membership of the church. We can't in good conscience support an organization that is built on so many untruths. And why would we? If there is no God, then this is not His church.
We are very comfortable with our decision. We are happier than we have been in years, and we feel like we are -for the first time- being totally honest with ourselves. We really think that religion and reality are not the same, but opposites.
We don't want anybody's prayers, although I suppose we can't stop you. We don't want people telling us how sad they are at our decision. You wouldn't want us telling you how sad we thought it was that you're still operating under self delusion - that would just be rude.
I have written this note not to unconvert others, but to preemptively (and postemptively, if that's a word) answer those questions which so many of you have. We have given both sides of the argument serious consideration. We are familiar with all of the doctrinal arguments - I spent my whole life believing them, and 2 years teaching them. But we have concluded after much prayer and pondering that we believe something different.
I am so proud of him for addressing this in such an open manner and with such foresight into some of the arguments that will be pushed at him. At the same time I am sad, not because of his choice, not AT ALL. But because I know he has just made his life more difficult by choosing to stand up and state what he does (or does not) believe. When I decided to leave the church I was young and felt completely ganged up on by people who know more than me. I did not to research to the extent he did, nor address people en masse to let them know my decision. What it boiled down to was that I knew what did not feel right to me. I did not need to continue to search out and prove or disprove every issue that aroused my questioning. Because after so many red flags you have to decide if you want to pursue every single one or face the fact that what you have been taught your whole life just isn�t the truth.
But when you decide to leave it is not something done privately or quietly. The church feels the need to let your congregation and family know. They bring on their own army of peer-pressure-providers to try to reign you back in and be one of them. ESPECIALLY if you not only walk away from the church but also file the formal paperwork to have your name taken off the records. This is something I never bothered to do because it�s a piece of paper. I have never felt hat a piece of paper has any bearing on my life. And when it is so meaningless to me why get my family all in an uproar? Just let sleeping dogs lie.
But after the process that my brother and sister in law have started I have done a little research and realized that when Evan and I have kids their names might go onto the books of the mormon church if I do not get my name removed before they are born. So this is something I am now thinking about as something I may have to do shortly. I don�t want to do it in tandum with my brother�s because I don�t want him to be blamed, nor do I want to be accused of being a copy-cat (both of which are highly likely with a family that is trying to change your mind). Another factor to consider is that I believe my family has taken my decision to do nothing about the formal side of things as a sign that I hope or plan to return to the church some day. This is not the case at all, but now I realize as my brother is going through this, and I was cited as an example of someone who does not want to burn their bridges with the church, that maybe it is time for this to be addressed.
All of this being said, I decided long ago that what really matters is that you remain true to yourself. Otherwise what is the point of your life? If there is a god and we are held accountable in some final judgment how would you explain that you did what you did because someone else said it was right? Decide for yourself what is right and then live it to the best of your abilities.
Anyway, I needed to vent a little. Most of my posts will not be religious so don�t let this one turn you off.
That�s all kids
NT
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