Complicated
07.28.2007 at 9:27 PM
When will I ever figure myself out? Why am I always such a mystery even to myself? I never seem to know what I feel. Maybe that�s why I can never figure anyone else out.
I went over to Mark�s last night. We hung out had dinner and some wine and watched movies. He spent most of his time in a chair while I was on the couch. I felt like he was trying to keep his distance. His friends kept calling, some he ignored, some he talked to. But he didn�t say he was busy and ask if he could talk to them later. He just kept talking to them. He did apologize and said he knew it was rude, but then he did is again. This time he went in the other room. He was on the phone so long I thought maybe I should just leave, I mean it was obvious I wasn�t keeping his attention, or being a priority, or whatever. I felt like maybe I was intruding in some sort.
Eventually he got off the phone and came back out of his room and apologized again, profusely even. Said he knew it was rude. I don�t like getting mad at people but I don�t like feeling like I don�t matter either, and when I�m with someone and they ignore me and talk on the phone for a long time with someone else it just makes me feel like crap.
So he came out of the room again all apologetically and I told him it was ok, but he kept going on about it. So since he wouldn�t let it go and let me forget about it I told him I almost left. Then he got all sappy. Said he was just trying to be everybody�s friend.
Whatever. If you think something is rude then don�t keep doing it!
Anyway, so he felt bad and sat by me on the couch so he could have his arm around me. And then he started kissing me and then all of a sudden switched directions and said he shouldn�t be touching me. Great, make me feel like a leper. So he moved back to the other chair.
So eventually he was tired and was going to bed. He had said many time that I could stay over if I wanted and I had told him I would wait and see how much I drank. So as he was getting ready for bed he asked me where I wanted to sleep. I told him it depended on where he wanted me to sleep. He invited me to sleep in his bed with him, which was fine. I kept all my clothes on, even my bra. I felt like he was trying to keep his distance from me since the kissing thing so I was trying to balance things between not making him feel bad and not invading his space.
But he curled up in this little ball and went to sleep, no contact, no arm around, nothing. And I could not fall asleep. I tried, for a long time and just lay there, conscious of his breathing, small movements in his sleep.
I moved back out to the couch and tried sleeping there, but I was even more awake, listening to the clock ticking.
And I realized I had forgot my meds. I had actually put then in my little vitamin bag that I take to work every day and took them with me in the morning cause I knew I�d be going out to his place, but I forgot it at work. And that one med I take at night, well if I�m even 12 hours late I start to get withdrawal side effects including vertigo.
So I wrote him a note and left. It�s a little more than 30 minutes from his place back to mine, I got home, wrote him an apologetic email for just taking off in the middle of the night and eventually went to bed.
He emailed back this morning and said it was fine and laughed about it.
I guess I just don�t understand his hot and cold, kissing and then moving into another chair. And why did he say he shouldn�t be kissing me?
Something is wrong with this whole situation.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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