I called his bluff
08.07.2006 at 8:53 AM
That�s who he is, the boy who cried wolf. The boy who cried baby? He suggested a baby. Out of the blue! I was alarmed. It was very much the reverse of what I think might be a more typical situation, when the woman suggests a baby and the guy freaks out. I was the one freaking out.
But months of wondering why he would want ME to bear his child, (and several times of him making small comments about it) I went the other direction� told him we could do it, but obviously there were going to have to be many discussions. If I were more financially sound I would not mind at all having a child on my own. But at this point in time I cannot support myself and a child without additional support. And if the father is going to be involved I want complete involvement, commitment. All or nothing.
I don�t know why I even decided the idea would be ok, maybe because I do want a family and as a woman in my 30�s I don�t feel like I should flippantly toss out an opportunity without serious consideration? I don�t know.
But the point is, his idea originally. He is the one who brought it up multiple times, and then when faced with the possible reality of it he was quicker than anything in backing out.
At least now I have a much better sense of who I am and who he is. He is the master of big ideas without the guts to follow through� and this seems to apply to all parts of his life. The books he�s writing, the movies he wants to make, the ranch he wants to run, the business he wants to start� all things that he will talk big about, but never actually get the nerve to commit to.
He was always pushing me to open up. Be open to possibility. The one who questioned why I wouldn�t trust him, why he couldn�t be the man for me, why I wouldn�t I want to have children with him. And after all of that, and figuring out how I really felt, and what I was prepared to do, I realized that he really is just talk. No action. No follow-through. I called his bluff.
The funny thing is, I�m not angry, or frustrated. It�s almost like I am relieved. I let myself open to possibilities, I let myself imagine another life without getting my heart set on it. It was all processed in the realm of practicality, not emotion like I usually do� and in the end I realized that I still am the one who has to be ok with the decisions in my life. I will not rush into something because someone else suggests it. I would much rather be me, think things through in my own time and come to a conclusion I can feel good about rather than throw ideas out there and have no intention of following through on any of them.
I am really starting to realize that I like who I am. I am not flakey. I am not dishonest about who I am or what I want. I will admit when something scares me, or if I am unsure. I do not present a false-self to the world.
bEfOrE ~ AftEr
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