where DO those tears come from?

09.04.2005 at 9:12 PM



I find it odd that you mourn over the friends that you have lost�.but have yet to see the value in the new friends you make. You mourn the friends that you see as a reflection of what you were, the friends that have the potential to drag you down. Because you KNOW they don�t have your best interest at heart. Yet you shy away from someone who is willing to be there for you, who wants to help, who DOES have your best interest at heart. Who wants to see you succeed.

I find it confusing that I do care about you. By all standards I shouldn�t. I mean you seem to have such a low opinion of me and what I can or have done. You don�t let yourself see that there is value in the fact that I am someone you can talk about all these things with. You openly admit that there has been no one else you can share them with. Yet you can share them with me but still not see the value in that. To have found someone that you can be open and honest with. Someone who you know is on your side, who tries to help with how you can deal with the situations that continue to arise. You see that, otherwise you wouldn�t continue to talk to me about these things� but you somehow refuse to see the value in it, the importance of that, the value and importance in me.

And why is it that with such little things I am brought to tears. You can bare your soul to me, and in the same breath tell me that you have no real friends, no one who has your best interest at heart. And I crumble under the weight of that statement.

bv was right when she said that she had never before seem me so intensely emotional (was that the word she used? Intensely? I think so) because like no one else I see your struggle, and I want to help, but am continually rebuffed.
Like your brother not realizing what effect he has on you, you do not realize the effect you have on me.

When else has the vision of what someone can be seemed so clear to me. Have you ever been just wildly overwhelmed at the potential a person has? Seeing their struggle to reach that potential just makes you want to step in and lend a hand, help move them a bit closer to it, and hope that they will allow you that. Because helping them reach it will make much more of a difference than anything else you can possibly accomplish in your own life.
How do you express to someone that you are already in awe of the person they have become, and still see how much more they are capable of, and realize that it is so much more than you will ever be?
I guess I have no choice but to do what I can, continue to be there, to support, continue to be rebuffed, and hope that at some point my value will be felt, even if not recognized.


bEfOrE ~ AftEr

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